Came across this the other day (thank you, once again, Yogi Teas, for your inspired labels), and I found it particularly applicable this week.
I don’t know what provoked it, but I’ve been a little down this week. Feeling a little lonely. Alone. Ostracized. Excluded. I guess I was due for it – this year has been pretty free of lows for me.
That’s the thing I’ve never been able to quite conquer – the fact that I seem to be somewhat of a walking contradiction. I’ve never been afraid to go after the things that I want the most, but I’m consumed by fear of rejection when it comes to getting the one thing I truly want more than anything in the world. I love being around people, yet I find myself so crippled by fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, or what other people are thinking, or of judgements, that I have a hard time really being completely comfortable around anyone until I know that they are receptive to my friendship.
Much in the same vein, I do have trouble letting my guard down, and being vulnerable. Maybe it’s age, or maybe it’s just oversensitivity, but I feel like the few occasions in which I have allowed myself to open up, I’ve ended up getting hurt. I realize that pain and struggle is part of the process, but so much of me wonders why it has to be so hard for people to just be real. Say what they mean. Mean what they say. Avoid conflict. Though I’m starting to think that in my attempts to avoid conflicts, I’ve hurt myself – squandered opportunities, been passed over for someone more assertive. And that truly hurts my heart.
But I’m not going to wallow in the fallout of a bad day (which, by all accounts, should have been a great day – had I not allowed myself to feel like the outsider looking in). I’m going to use it as a learning experience, and motivation to know that something amazing is at the end of the tunnel. A reward for the struggles. To finally get that ultimate happiness that is sure to be the result of overcoming what may now appear to be impossible challenges. As much as I hate the saying “good things come to those who wait,” I do hope it’s true – because as long as I feel like I’ve been waiting, something pretty amazing has to be ahead of me.
Last night, a question was posed that kind of – okay, really – rubbed me the wrong way: “Do you even have the time to date someone?” My answer: “Of course I do – I would absolutely make time for the right person.”
Now, I know you’re asking … what does this have to do with fitness? Well, fitness is a priority in my life, and between teaching five classes a week and my personal workouts, it does take up a chunk of my free time. But by no means does that mean that it is my entire life. With the exception of those five hours a week, I can be pretty flexible with my schedule. And I’m totally confident that I have the time and commitment necessary to be successful with both my fitness and the right man.
The truth is, for a long time – we’re talking (gulp … yikes) most of the last six and a half years – exercise has been all I’ve had, as far as love is concerned. (That endorphin high has to come from somewhere!) There has been a void in my heart, and instead of letting it get me down, I’ve filled it with sweat and muscle soreness. But I’ve also filled it with the love of the people who join me in class, who come to me for advice, and who have been there to push me, to encourage me, and, whether they realize it or not, help me put on a happy face, on the days that I feel crying. It’s helped me see that although I’ve been single, I’ve never truly ever been alone.
I have no problem admitting that exercise and fitness is a huge part of who I am. It wasn’t until I discovered how much I got out of it – as a former fitness manager once told me, “you were put on this planet to do this – to change people’s lives” – that I realized how happy it makes me. But could it be that the one thing that makes me happier than anything in the world could actually be keeping me from finding the one person in the world who will make me happier than anything? There’s nothing that could possible scare me more – because while I love the world of health and fitness, I know that there is nothing more important to me than finding someone with whom I can share my life and have a family. I don’ t think it should have to be a one or the other kind of situation.
Bottom line: I do know my priorities. It’s just that I’ve found myself significantly more successful on the fitness front versus the love front. But I’m confident that there is an amazing man out there who not only understands and feels the same way I do, but will stand by me and be happy that I have been able to share my passion with other people (and who knows, maybe even give me a spot from time to time). I’m ready when he is. 🙂