A Little Reminder to Myself …

Came across this the other day (thank you, once again, Yogi Teas, for your inspired labels), and I found it particularly applicable this week.

I don’t know what provoked it, but I’ve been a little down this week. Feeling a little lonely. Alone. Ostracized. Excluded. I guess I was due for it – this year has been pretty free of lows for me.

That’s the thing I’ve never been able to quite conquer – the fact that I seem to be somewhat of a walking contradiction. I’ve never been afraid to go after the things that I want the most, but I’m consumed by fear of rejection when it comes to getting the one thing I truly want more than anything in the world. I love being around people, yet I find myself so crippled by fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, or what other people are thinking, or of judgements, that I have a hard time really being completely comfortable around anyone until I know that they are receptive to my friendship.

Much in the same vein, I do have trouble letting my guard down, and being vulnerable. Maybe it’s age, or maybe it’s just oversensitivity, but I feel like the few occasions in which I have allowed myself to open up, I’ve ended up getting hurt. I realize that pain and struggle is part of the process, but so much of me wonders why it has to be so hard for people to just be real. Say what they mean. Mean what they say. Avoid conflict. Though I’m starting to think that in my attempts to avoid conflicts, I’ve hurt myself – squandered opportunities, been passed over for someone more assertive. And that truly hurts my heart.

But I’m not going to wallow in the fallout of a bad day (which, by all accounts, should have been a great day – had I not allowed myself to feel like the outsider looking in). I’m going to use it as a learning experience, and motivation to know that something amazing is at the end of the tunnel. A reward for the struggles. To finally get that ultimate happiness that is sure to be the result of overcoming what may now appear to be impossible challenges. As much as I hate the saying “good things come to those who wait,” I do hope it’s true – because as long as I feel like I’ve been waiting, something pretty amazing has to be ahead of me.

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Talk About Multiple Personalities: How Can I Get More “Gym Me” into “Real Me”?

I consider my part-time, “just for fun” job as a group fitness instructor to be one of the most rewarding, enjoyable parts of my life. Being able to see people grow stronger and healthier, and to know that you played a part in their getting there, is truly one of the most amazing feelings in the world. It truly makes me feel blessed to have the ability to share my passion with others – one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received came from my former national fitness director, mentor and friend, who once told me that this was what I was put on earth to do. (Wow, right?)

When I get in front of a class, or even when I’m just working out on my own, I’m the most confident person in the world. I know that my form is (usually) spot-on, I’m super-personable, and I have no fear that the people in my classes are judging me. Sometimes, at the end of my Pilates classes, I’m even known to throw out a couple options … with the last one being something along the lines of, “We’re almost done. If you want to just sit and laugh at me, I’m cool with that, too.”

It’s funny, though … because I feel like I definitely have two drastically different sides to my personality. I always joke that I wish I could incorporate “gym me” more into “’real’ me.” The two are almost opposite side of the spectrum – though I’m trying my best to start incorporating more of “gym me” into my every day life. Because the person who steps in front of a class five times in a week is not always so outgoing. In fact, I spend a lot of my time worrying that people are judging me, or that I’ll be rejected, or that I’m not funny/charming/pretty/skinny/smart/insert-other-fitting-word-here enough.

I hate to say it, but in a way, I do feel like that fear has crippled me throughout the last several years. I’ve spent so much time being afraid that people wouldn’t like me, or wouldn’t get me, or that I wouldn’t be good enough, that I almost feel as if I’ve allowed myself to become socially stunted. And honestly, I’ve just had enough of being afraid that I’m not, well … enough.

But that’s another one of my goals for this next year of my life – to stop thinking so much, and just start living. People won’t always like you. Yes, there are people who are funnier/more charming/prettier/skinnier/smarter/insert-other-fitting-word-here than me. There always have been. There always will be. But at the end of the day … I’m sure there are a lot of people looking at me, wondering how they can ever live up to what I’ve been given.

So here’s to “gym me”! It’s definitely time to get a little more of that spastic little ball of crazy, energy and passion into the rest of my life. I’m taking suggestions on how to start!